What the hell does agender mean?

consider-revising:

This morning I decided I want to write about what my gender identity means to me and it occurred to me, for the first time somehow, that I have never had a conversation about gender with another self-identified agendered person. I’m sure I’ve met some, but I’m not at all sure I knew it and can’t now think of who that might be.

So I took to the Internet. I very quickly discovered two things. One, if there is much talk about agendered identities going on on the Internet, it’s not at all easy to find. Two, it turns out I don’t really care. After browsing a handful of forums full of perplexed questions and reading some unhelpful definitions, I was pretty much done with that. There’s probably some really interesting essays on some lesser trafficked blogs, and I’m really not curious enough to dig them up. (If you know of some, please do let me know!)

Okay wait, I actually learned three things. Three, neutrois is a thing. I had no idea.

I guess it was fairly recently that I started to identify as agendered. It didn’t seem like a big enough deal that I even remember that change. I have always had a lot of trouble describing my gender identity, and I think as recently as two years ago I was still trying to figure out how to place myself on that silly binary. At some point I gave up and started saying “I don’t have a gender” and at some later point I realized there was a word for that.

Here’s the thing — this has never been a big deal to me. My pronoun preference continues to be “I really don’t care.” Being identified by others as a woman isn’t uncomfortable for me. It’s mostly just frustrating because of the meanings they assign to that. Of course I don’t like it. Of course I don’t want people to make assumptions about me or treat me differently because they perceive me as a woman. But I don’t want them to do that to you either.

If I thought that there was some way I could change my appearance or speech or identity that wouldn’t just mean trading one set of assumptions for a different, equally shitty set I would do it. But in fact I know that the people worth knowing, the people I want to invite into my life, are already at least trying to see me (and everyone else) as a person separate from my gender. So why bother? I want to be very clear that I’m not actually suffering from gender dysmorphia. From what little visible consensus there is about the word “agender” it seems to be widely agreed to be outside the umbrella of Gender Identity Disorder. (Whereas “neutrois” is inside it.)

For me, being agendered has little to do with how I present or expect the world to interact with me. It has to do with how I feel. (It’s also closely tied in with appropriation for me, but that’s perhaps the subject of a different post.) 

So, here’s how I feel. Many of the feelings and behaviors that code as gendered for most people are not things I experience as gendered. For example, in partner dancing many people describe the act of leading a dance as feeling masculine and following as feeling feminine. Trans-identified people often speak most clearly about this, because they are often very skilled at identifying their own feelings around gender, which can be very hard to parse. I remember a trans-man telling me that when he follows really well he feels soft and pretty and desirable. (For him, this was an enjoyable novelty.) For myself, I do not experience following a dance as feminine. I also do not experience softness or prettiness or desirability as feminine. Following feels like following and softness feels like softness.

Another example is that I recently met an old friend of one of my lovers. She observed that recently Rhys has begun to discover his feminine side. This surprised me because Rhys and I are very close, and I had never noticed or thought about his “feminine side.” She was talking about his new habit of wearing eyeliner, and his delight when a young girl of his acquaintance gave him a tiara to wear and dubbed him “the tallest and strongest princess.” He has also developed an excitement about skirts, and loves to dance in them and talk about the kinds of skirts he wants to find. 

None of these things had struck me as feminine. Who wouldn’t love to be the tallest and strongest princess? Who wouldn’t happily wear a tiara given by a little girl? Of course twirly skirts are pretty and fun to spin around in, that’s what they’re for. Eyeliner makes people’s eyes look really good! They should wear it if they want to! Or don’t if they don’t! None of those choices occurs to me as gendered unless I think about it. Rhys wearing eyeliner doesn’t feel any more unusual or transgressive to me than women wearing pants. 

Being agendered doesn’t mean that I feel both male and female, or that I feel neither. Agender means that, for me, gender is not a useful lens through which to evaluate myself or my experiences. And if you try to look at me through that lens anyway, you’re not going to get a clear picture.

WHAT’S NEXT

How to support me:

• If you happen to know of any good writing on this topic, please share it with me!
• If you happen to know a self-identified agendered person who might be down for a conversation with me, please either introduce us, or introduce them to this post.
• If you are a self-identified agendered person, please say hi! I would love to talk to you about what this means for you.

How to support everyone:

• The next time you want to ask someone about their gender identity, stop and ask yourself why. How will that information affect your perception? Why is that important? Why is it relevant?

How to continue this conversation:

• Please reach out to me by email if you prefer to discuss this privately, otherwise
• My friends and I will be discussing this topic on Facebook.

I love this post. You’ve hit the nail right on the head with what you said, that last part, especially: “gender is not a useful lens through which to evaluate myself or my experiences. And if you try to look at me through that lens anyway, you’re not going to get a clear picture.” This, fracking this!!

Attention Followers!

austryzor:

austkyzor:

The following are corporate partners with Autism Speaks.

In Alphabetical order:

• ATA Martial Arts
• Bachman Pretzels
• Bob’s Red Mill
• Build A Bear
• Capital One
• Casey’s General Stores
• Continental Accessory
• Dollar General
• Dover International Speedway
• eTrak
• Fashion Bug
• FedEx
• Fox Sports
• GAP
• Joe’s Crab Shack
• Kid Natural Hero
• Landscape Structures
• Lindt and Sprungli
• Mattress Warehouse
• Med Claims Liaison
• Modell’s Sporting Goods
• Panera Bread
• Pump it Up
• Queens Flowers
• Scentsy
• Shoprite Supermarkets
• Sprouts Farmers Markets
• Stadium NEST Fragrances
• Stella & Dot
• The Home Depot
• TJMaxx
• Total Wine and More
• Toys R Us
• White Castle
• Zales

Just because they are partners doesn’t mean that part of your purchases from them will go to this evil, evil organization, but you should be wary of buying things from them.

Please spread the word. Autism Speaks deserves LESS than nothing. 

EDIT: Just to be clear, I am NOT telling you to boycott the sponsors. It’s very likely that most of these companies do not know the true face of Autism Speaks.

It’s probably better that you write letters, raise more awareness. Get Anonymous involved if you feel you must. Protest/picket their headquarters if you want to wave a bunch of signs around. Do whatever you want with this information. I’m just delivering the information to you, tumblr.

Reblogging myself because I made an edit to the OP

We Don’t Agree On What Justice Is

version-infinity:

My head is throbbing.  I should go to bed right now, but I can’t. I keep replaying the same scenes from today over and over again in my mind.

For the past nine months, I have been interning as a counselor for survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. My agency is in Brockton. I’ve heard some horrendous tales, and held some tremendous weight. I have met clients who, if you heard their stories, you would wonder how in God’s name they are still alive. You would marvel at their smiles.

My mentors are amazing counselors who have worked in the field for years and even decades. They work for low pay. They do it because they love their work. They are pillars of strength. They are unsung heroines.

Today they had individual meetings with the higher ups of the organization. These big wigs control the allocation of money. They take inventory and make spreadsheets. Six weeks ago, they came down from their corner offices to ask each of us what exactly we do for the company. You know, Office Space style.

I don’t need to tell you what happened next.

We have a small amount of staff in our department. Two people were laid off today. At least two more are scheduled to be removed on Monday, but we don’t know who yet. It’s a complicated web of ultimatums and ridiculous structural rearrangements that I won’t get into. I have another point to make: one of the two people let go is our only Portuguese-speaking counselor. Almost all of her clients are now officially cut off.

Like I said, the agency is in Brockton. If you live in Massachusetts, you already know about Brockton. It has a great deal of crime, and a great need for services. Our agency serves much of the south shore as well.

One of the things I have admired about this organization is its ability to reach diverse communities. We have services for people who typically have barriers to mental health care. Linguistic barriers are absolutely devastating. Unfortunately, many survivors have not yet mastered the English language enough to go through the  dangerous, scary process of working with a counselor on dealing with an abusive partner. Cultural barriers get in the way of these women knowing which institutions to trust, and which people within those organizations are trustworthy enough to hold their story. And why should they trust anyone? Justice systems here and abroad have failed them on numerous occasions. (*Side note: I attended training for this organization last summer with a naive idea that the best way to handle an abusive partner was to call the police and/or get a restraining order. I was absolutely clueless about the imminent threat of a controlling abuser who will become enraged at the thought of woman or man trying to escape their grip. It may kickstart the victim’s ultimate demise. A piece of paper won’t protect them).

There is hope, though. It comes in the form of bi-lingual and sometimes tri-lingual counselors who have lived experiences within the communities we serve. They connect with survivors in way English-only counselors cannot. They understand certain social cues. They understand the guardedness that exists within their communities. They exercise the patience to be ready to help when those walls finally come down. They understand the importance of getting to know their clients’ families. They understand the legal process as it relates to Cape Verdean, Brazilian and Latin@ communities. They know the ins and outs of the immigration system. They empower disenfranchised women to become citizens or receive green cards as a means to be self-sufficient and be in the best position to leave the man that beats them up on the regular. They are outstanding counselors and advocates.

So why is that when lay-offs are happening, they get rid of the one counselor who speaks Portuguese? Why is it they decided that in Brockton, Massachusetts, the Brazilian population is not important enough to serve, but they can afford to pay the organization’s chief officers handsome salaries? I could understand if they were paying the counselor a ton of money that it would save them from financial collapse, but trust me, they can certainly afford it. They just don’t want to.

The most frustrating part is that they blather on about being so committed to social justice and diversity. They are a special brand of liberal: the kind that speaks of compassion and justice but is not really willing to fight for it. It is way too inconvenient to fight. A wise, radical woman told me recently: “At least the conservatives don’t pretend to give a shit.”

They are claiming that the reason the Portuguese-speaking counselor will lose her job is because of new restrictions to the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). Some of our funding comes from VAWA, but much of it comes from the Department of Public Health (DPH), the federal Victims of Crime Act (VOCA), corporate grants and individual grants. The bottom line is that they needed to cut some people, and they chose not to eliminate an English-speaking counselor. If they did that, then those clients would have to be transferred to other English-speaking counselors, therefore increasing their caseloads and possibly forcing the company to give over time. So it is better to just cut off a certain demographic. That’s all these women and children amount to: a demographic.

This is unjust.
This is discrimination.

Believe it or not, I spoke this truth to the CEO’s face in the meeting today. I am an intern, so I am not getting paid and I’m leaving in a month. I said it because I have nothing to lose.

After I told the CEO how this decision is contributing to social injustice, she gave me her best sad face and then quickly launched into some corporate jargon about how they had no choice, but deep down they are really really really serious about reaching the most disenfranchised communities in Brockton. She continued talking about how maybe in the future if they get a grant then they could potentially re-instate the position and help out those poor Brazilians again. She went on and on. I sat back in my chair, zoned out and let her finish her self-soothing diatribe.

Let me just explain my understanding of the definition of racism, because people tend to argue about that word. That’s fine — I love a good argument. Some people will not express any repugnance for the subjugation of people of color all over the world, and but they will get upset and use ALL CAPS to try and convince you that something is “not a race thing.” Racism is a system or the defense of a system that provides advantages to one racial group over others. One does not need to intend to be racist in order to perpetuate racism. I’m sure the big wigs have plenty of friends of color and they’re totally colorblind, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are helping to perpetuate social inequality on the basis of race, ethnicity, culture and language. Intentions don’t matter. Outcome matters.

Tonight I saw the beautiful faces of the children whose mothers have been coming to our Portuguese-speaking support group. The kids play games, laugh and run around the office. Volunteer babysitters keep them safe while their moms get much needed support from the counselor, and camaraderie from each other. I have seen these kids before, but tonight I took a closer look. My heart was a web of adoration and sadness.

I can’t even express how grateful I am to have worked in a place like this. I have learned way more than I could have imagined. I’ve had days when I wished I could un-learn some of it. The ugly stain of oppression won’t deter me from the path I’ve chosen.

Dear Humans,
You are totally worth the fight.

An Open Letter to Eve Ensler

chiefelk:

Dear Eve Ensler,

I want to start off by saying thank you. I appreciate the time you took to reach out to me, because I know you’re incredibly busy. I know there are much more important people in this world than myself, so I appreciate you engaging in dialogue with me and my colleague Kelleigh Driscoll.

This all started because on Twitter, I addressed some issues that I had with V-Day, your organization, and the way it treated Indigenous women in Canada. I said that you are racist and dismissive of Indigenous people. You wrote to me that you were upset that I would suggest this, and not even 24 hours later you were on the Joy Behar Show referring to your chemotherapy treatment as a “Shamanistic exercise”.

Your organization took a photo of Ashley Callingbull, and used it to promote V-Day Canada and One Billion Rising, without her consent. You then wrote the word “vanishing” on the photo, and implied that Indigenous women are disappearing, and inherently suggested that we are in some type of dire need of your saving. You then said that Indigenous women were V-Day Canada’s “spotlight”. V-Day completely ignored the fact that February 14th is an iconic day for Indigenous women in Canada, and marches, vigils, and rallies had already been happening for decades to honor the missing and murdered Indigenous women. You repeatedly in our conversation insisted that you had absolutely no idea that these events were already taking place. So then, what were you spotlighting? When Kelleigh brought up that it was problematic for you to be completely unaware that this date is important to the women you’re spotlighting, your managing director Cecile Lipworth became extremely defensive and responded with “Well, every date on the Calendar has importance.” This is not an acceptable response.

When women in Canada brought up these exact issues, V-Day responded to them by deleting the comment threads that were on Facebook. For a person and organization who works to end violence against women, this is certainly the opposite of that. Although I’m specifically addressing V-Day, this is not an isolated incident. This is something that Indigenous women constantly face. This erasure of identity and white, colonial, feminism is in fact, a form of violence against us. The exploitation and cultural appropriation creates and excuses the violence done to us.

When I told you that your white, colonial, feminism is hurting us, you started crying. Eve, you are not the victim here. This is also part of the pattern which is a problem: Indigenous women are constantly trying to explain all of these issues, and are constantly met with “Why are you attacking me?!” This is not being a good ally.

You asked me what would it mean to be a good ally. It would have meant stepping back, giving up the V-Day platform, and attending the marches and vigils. It would have meant putting aside the One Billion Rising privilege and participating in what the Indigenous women felt was important.

At the end of our conversation you offered me the opportunity to join V-Day. Offered me money. Offered me to become a spokesperson for Native American women. These are things I am not interested in. I do not want to be part of the white savior industrial complex, and I never want to duplicate saviorism and colonialism within my own organization, Save Wiyabi Project, and I’m surely not interested in selling my soul and integrity for a bit of cash and perceived prestige.

I’m not here to speak for Ashley and how she felt about her photo being used, and I’m not here to speak for the Indigenous women in Canada. Indigenous women in the United States and Canada have agency, self determination, and are quite capable of telling their own stories, and have been doing so for thousands of years. We are aware of the violence we face, and are also aware this just isn’t about individual acts of violence. We expect not only our bodies, but our agency, work, and contributions to be respected. None of this is new, and we do not need a white person to legitimize our history and existence.

I entered this conversation with uneasy feelings about V-Day and your work, and left feeling completely dismissed – much like the Indigenous women in Canada. You might have been listening to what I was saying, but you definitely didn’t hear me. You dumped all of my concerns onto someone else and did not take personal responsibility for anything. Eve, this is YOUR organization. My hope is that you do some self examination about what’s happening here. You have to see this before you continue doing this work because this is epistemic and imperial violence. Your actions are assisting violence, not ending it.

Sincerely,

Lauren Chief Elk

I can’t even fathom this right now.

youneedacat:

There are people out there who actually think that the autistic community created the ‘myth’ that autistic people (like other disabled people, like other developmentally disabled people, etc.) are singled out to be killed.

I just… I can’t. Not right now. And I can’t imagine what imaginary world a person has to live in to miss the fact that these things happen to us all the time and specifically because we are disabled. This isn’t the first time it’s happened to me it’s not the first time I’ve seen it happen to a disabled person including an autistic person. And I’m undoubtedly one of the people she’d blame for “creating that myth”, I.e. reporting what I see, because I’m one of a few people who were extremely extremely concerned with making sure people knew about this, back in the day.

Idk. It’s late I’m exhausted and I’m on a bedpan and I can’t explain what’s going through my head right now. I just survived an attempt to make sure I die. Maybe not through overt violence but attempts to dissuade me from getting life saving medical care are still violence no matter how you slice it. And I can’t just say oh this would have happened to anyone disabled or not because its not fucking true.

This happened to me specifically because I’m disabled.

Because I’m autistic, because I’m physically disabled, because I have chronic illness and chronic pain, because I present to a lot of doctors as a worthless “retard” whether they claim to praise my intellect or not. Autistic people are an intimate part of the concept of a “retard” just as people with intellectual disabilities, cerebral palsy, and a few other things are. Being perceived as a “retard” is a great way to get killed in all kinds of ways.

This is real, people. For people who only believe shit they find in studies, look up stuff by Dick Sobsey, it’s been studied to fricking death. Autistic people aren’t unique in this way, but disabled people in general are the whole of it, and autistic people are part of a loose grouping of disabled people who are specifically targeted and singled out more than other disabled people might be.

To deny this is to make sure it keeps happening. I sometimes wish I had led the kind of life that would even make denying it possible. I can’t imagine it. I can’t imagine that kind of safety. I wish everyone had that kind of safety. And yet I wish nobody tried to convince people that the safety exists when it doesn’t.

This isn’t just a matter of semantics like so many debates are. There are dead bodies embedded in this one. I don’t want to become one of them so I can’t afford not to be aware of the dangers. Not to live in constant fear, but to be able to plan for them and fight them.

Autistic people, developmentally disabled people, anyone who’s been contained within the concept “retard” (which isn’t a diagnosis or a test score, it’s a way of looking at a person), that’s one high risk category among disabled people.

Getting a feeding tube puts me in another high risk category of disabled people. Because once you have a feeding tube, people consider that a form of artificial life support. It’s the first part of the living will where I was asked if I’d rather die than have it. People use it to put ppl in nursing homes, where we die more easily. People treat it as an optional medical treatment rather than an alternate way of eating. You become a little more expendable.

And just to confuse the issue as an autistic and otherwise disabled person they did their best to talk me out of a feeding tube because that would be saving my life and no point doing that.

Which is a form of killing even though they do their best not to admit it. And you bet it happened partly because I’m autistic and most of the rest of it around disability too.

Thanks to everyone who helped ensure I got the tube btw.

I’m rambling. It’s late. I don’t know how to say what I’m thinking. But this idea, this weird story that its all a myth and we are all safe and just like want to think we aren’t of something, that’s very dangerous. You can’t protect yourself if you don’t know the ranges. And we are in danger. Some of us more than others of course. And in different ways. But the danger is there. And it’s all tied in with disability in general, not specific to autism, but autism is part of a cluster of types of disabled people who are very likely to be the target of all this.

Problem is its complicated because .. These are words, and what I’m trying to say isn’t words, and I’m tired, and in pain, and physically uncomfortable in other ways. You can’t make nice neat categories like autistic people and apply things across the board. But yes yes yes yes yes we are at higher risk of killing this is not even debatable. Both outright murder and more socially acceptable ways, ones most people don’t know now to look for, still just as deadly, sometimes more so. Can’t imagine now many disabled people been talked out of the treatment that is saving my life at the moment. Not coincidence it’s disabled people.

Anyway I’m going to stop talking in circles and hopefully something I’ve said will make sense because I can’t make myself think in words.

It’s true that people with autism and other cognitive or intellectual disabilities face more discrimination than people with other disabilities. My sister and I are both legally blind (due to albinism), but my sister doesn’t have autism, and, not surprisingly, she has rarely if ever had trouble with doctors not listening to her. I, on the other hand, had to learn the hard lesson that if I wasn’t very much my own health advocate, my needs would never be met.

Anonymous asked: A tiny black kitten waddles into your ask box mewling and staring up at you with its big green eyes. What do you do?

I love it and pet it and give it some salmon and after it’s done eating, I let it curl up in my lap while I’m listening to a good book. :)

simplyirenic:

madredhattie:

simplyirenic:

amarguerite:

madredhattie:

Social Justice Blogger Temeraire

And would Lawrence  reply to each one with “D: DEAREST YOU CANNOT SAY SUCH THINGS ON A PUBLIC FORUM!”

“But, Laurence, someone is wrong on the Internet!”

Temeraire would be the easiest to troll ever

“You are very rude, to insinuate such things about my mother, when you have not even met her; and I do not think your mother is advisor to the Emperor of China, so you have no right to t—oh, Laurence, look, there is another video of that cat which is so very fond of boxes, pray let us watch it together.”